INFORMATION

This website uses cookies to store information on your computer. Some of these cookies are essential to make our site work and others help us to improve by giving us some insight into how the site is being used. For further information, see our Privacy Policy.

God was a Jew and other jokes

Enter here for humour and irreverence.
Message
Author
VINDICATOR
Posts: 317
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#201 Postby VINDICATOR » November 19th, 2017, 2:34 am

Latest post of the previous page:

Hi, animist,
No man is perfect, Confucious, Jesus, you, me, we all have defects. Churchill is no exception, However, I honor him for his staunch resistance to Hitler. I also appreciate his quotes! Thomas Jefferson was the father of secularism, but he was also a slave owner! There is no evidence that wisdom, greatness (or evilness) can be transmitted thru the genes. Where are the offspring of heros or geniuses? Einstein was a genius, where are his children? Where are Churchill's children? Don't forget that our genes are 90% the same as an ant's! Our nearest cousins are the monkies! Everyone is on his own! Our offspring don't inherit anything but the ability to learn. Animals don,t have to learn very much, they can do everything by instinct. Man is great because he has the ability to learn, and has curiosity! Have you ever seen the Milky Way in a really dark sky? It will transfigure you!

VINDICATOR
Posts: 317
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#202 Postby VINDICATOR » November 19th, 2017, 12:48 pm

I guess you're all to busy to figure out the answers to my Thanksgiving quiz (except for animist's answer) so I'll give you the answers:

1-The May-flower brought Pilgrims of course.
2- The best thing to wear to a Thanksgiving dinner is a har-vest.
3-The turkey crossed the road because the chicken was on vacation.
4-The thing that smells the best is your nose.
5-A key that can't open any lock is a tur-key.
6-The circumference of a pumpkin divided by it's diameter is pumpkin pi.
7-Most of the feathers on a turkey are on the out-side.
8-The musical part of a turkey are the drum-sticks.
9-If the Pilgrims were alive today they would be famous for their longevity.
:hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 317
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#203 Postby VINDICATOR » November 23rd, 2017, 12:42 pm

Today is Thanksgiving so I will give you 3 more turkey questions.
1-Where will you find a turkey with no legs?
2-Why did the police arrest the turkey?
3-What do you call it when it rains turkeys?

VINDICATOR
Posts: 317
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#204 Postby VINDICATOR » November 24th, 2017, 11:23 am

Are those too difficult too? Then here are the answers:
1-You will find the turkey without legs at the same place you left it!
2-The police arrested the turkey because it was suspected of fowl play!
3-When it rains turkeys that's fowl weather!
:laughter: :laughter: :laughter:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 317
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#205 Postby VINDICATOR » November 25th, 2017, 6:57 pm

Here are my favorite Churchill quotes:
"Democracy is the worst political system. However, all the others are even worse!"
"I like pigs best. Dogs look up to you. Cats look down at you. Pigs treat you as equals!"
"I like to quote myself. It adds spice to the conversation!"

Today's joke:
A husband had been out on a mission for a long time and now is at home with his wife in bed. At around midnight there is some sound on the stairs. The wife wakes up and in terror says: "My husband is coming!" Her husband wakes up too and jumps out of the window!

VINDICATOR
Posts: 317
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#206 Postby VINDICATOR » November 28th, 2017, 12:13 pm

Kudos! Congratulations! British royalty is taking amazing strides toward modernization and is even more humanistic than lots of other institutions (for instance the Vatican). Prince Harry is going to marry a 1: divorcee 2: Roman Catholic 3: one quarter black blooded princess! It wouldn't surprise me too much if in the near future you might even have a male princess!

In order to celebrate, I'll give yous another joke. "Quite reasonable"
Once upon a time, there was a very high class restaurant and every time the door opened there was gust of air from inside bringing with it all the tantalizing/tantalising smell of the delicious food being served inside. Every day, a poor man could be seen eating his crusts of bread near the doorway.
The manager didn't like this so he thought of a way to get rid of the poor man. He said to the man: "Go away, otherwise you will have to pay for the smell of our high class food!"
The man said: "Ok, I'll pay you tomorrow."
The next day the poor man brought his piggy bank with him and started to eat his crusts again by the doorway.
Then the manager appeared and wanted his payment.
The poor man took out his piggy bank, shook it so the coins inside rattled and clanked, and said: "I hereby pay for the smell of your food with the sound of my money!"
:hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 317
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#207 Postby VINDICATOR » December 5th, 2017, 12:23 pm

Hi everybody,
I just heard that Prince Harry's fiancee Meghan Markel has American, African, English, Dutch, and Irish ancestors. This gene assortment should make her smarter and healthier than ordinary! Moreover, her great breat great grandma was also a servant in Windsor Palace, so she will be going home!

I suppose you heard of the downfall of the HollyWood mogul Harvey Weinstein who has been accused by dozens of woman for sexual abuse and rape? And now Senator candidate Robert Moore has been accused of making love to little girls. However, some people also say there is nothing wrong with making love to little girls, all religions condone it. For example:
The founder of Mormon Joseph Smith had 40 wives, many of them in their teens.
Mohammed married Aisha when she was 6 and he was 50.
God laid the Virgin Mary when she was 12 and he was infinite! God gets the Gold Medal for age difference!
:) :smile: :D :wink:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 317
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#208 Postby VINDICATOR » December 8th, 2017, 2:41 pm

Merry Christmas everybody. Yes I call it Christmas, why not? Establishing Christmas was one of the few good things that Christianity did. You can call it anything you like: Xmas, Holiday, chriFMS day (for Pastafarians), etc. Retain Santa Claus and all that, but delete the Nativity hogwash. We shouldn't celebrate an ancient entity laying a young virgin!

Extra! Extra! Read all about it: The Pope is going to revise the Bible! He says that the Lord's Prayer is wrong when it says "lead us not into temptation". That means that God is leading us into temptation! And we are telling him not to do it. The Pope blames it on the translators. The Bible was written in Aramaic, then translated to ancient Greek, then Latin, and finally into Engish. Humans doing such a feat can't help making errors. The Pope wants to purge the Bible! Good, Thomas Jefferson tried to do this two Centuries ago!
However, by doing this the Pope is opening Pandora's box! He is admitting that there are errors in the Bible!!! He can never again say that the Bible is 100% correct!!!!! Now anyone can question the Bible!
I still think that Einstein gave the ultimate evaluation of the Bible. He called it "a book of fairy tales"!

:) :smile: :D :wink:

User avatar
Tetenterre
Posts: 3190
Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#209 Postby Tetenterre » December 8th, 2017, 3:13 pm

VINDICATOR wrote: chriFMS day (for Pastafarians),
Not chriFSM? :D
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

VINDICATOR
Posts: 317
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#210 Postby VINDICATOR » December 9th, 2017, 8:53 am

Dear Tetenterre,
Thanks for catching my typo. You're right, "Flying Spaghetti Monster" should be abreviated as "FSM". Is the FSM active in Britain? I appreciate their work, but they're just a bit too flippant for my taste.

User avatar
animist
Posts: 6021
Joined: July 30th, 2010, 11:36 pm

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#211 Postby animist » December 10th, 2017, 11:59 am

VINDICATOR wrote:Extra! Extra! Read all about it: The Pope is going to revise the Bible! He says that the Lord's Prayer is wrong when it says "lead us not into temptation". That means that God is leading us into temptation! And we are telling him not to do it. The Pope blames it on the translators. The Bible was written in Aramaic, then translated to ancient Greek, then Latin, and finally into Engish. Humans doing such a feat can't help making errors. The Pope wants to purge the Bible! Good, Thomas Jefferson tried to do this two Centuries ago!
However, by doing this the Pope is opening Pandora's box! He is admitting that there are errors in the Bible!!! He can never again say that the Bible is 100% correct!!!!! Now anyone can question the Bible!


yes, I guess that subconsciously I had since childhood wondered about the oddness of this particular prayer, though I am sure that Xians could give a reassuring explanation of it. I think that Xians don't really "trust" their God, and that they are afraid of damnation despite their best efforts. God may set too high a test, from their POV as they are (like the rest of us) weak and sinful critturs, so the prayer not to lead them into temptation really means "please God, don't ask too much of me!"

User avatar
Tetenterre
Posts: 3190
Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#212 Postby Tetenterre » December 10th, 2017, 1:07 pm

My misunderstanding began long before the temptation stuff. As a kindergarten child, where we had to recite this thing daily, I thought the opening words (with commentary) were: "Our father, which aren't in heaven (so where the heck is he, then?), hello'd be thy name..." (I guess he's a popular guy who lots of people say "hello" to).
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

VINDICATOR
Posts: 317
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#213 Postby VINDICATOR » December 10th, 2017, 1:55 pm

Hi animist,
Actually the Bible is correct. God is always leading us into temptation. God started leading man into temptation when he put the tree bearing forbidden fruit into the Garden of Eden and told Adam of the wonderful fruit that would teach him the joy of sex but forbade him to eat from it! God did that on purpose and knew that Adam would eat of it, so he could fetter him up with "Original Sin" and make him subserviant to God or go to Hell! Moreover, Original Sin is inherited, so all humans have it! We were all led into temptation!

Btw, I asked a Pastafarian friend and he said their greetings are: Merry ChriFSMas, Merry Noodleness, Merry Pastamas, Pasta La Vista, etc. but they will accept Merry Christmas because they are very secular. However, he agreed with me that the "Nativity" is too disgusting because it celebrates an ancient Alien raping a very young human virgin. He said it was too nauseating!

:laughter: :laughter: :laughter: :laughter:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 317
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#214 Postby VINDICATOR » December 10th, 2017, 2:17 pm

Hi Tetenterre,
Actually there is no such thing as "misunderstanding the Bible". The Bible is recognized by at least 2000 different religions/sects/denominations/cults/etc. Even those religions that want to cut each other's throats accept the same Bible! That is because everyone who reads the Bible has a different interpretation. Whenever I get into a debate on the Bible they always accuse me of quoting "out of context"! Since every reader has his own context, the Bible can mean whatever you want it to mean!
:laughter: :laughter:

User avatar
animist
Posts: 6021
Joined: July 30th, 2010, 11:36 pm

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#215 Postby animist » December 10th, 2017, 6:44 pm

Tetenterre wrote:My misunderstanding began long before the temptation stuff. As a kindergarten child, where we had to recite this thing daily, I thought the opening words (with commentary) were: "Our father, which aren't in heaven (so where the heck is he, then?), hello'd be thy name..." (I guess he's a popular guy who lots of people say "hello" to).
:D this reminds me of singing/winging the hymn "Teach us how to persevere". I did not know the last word, and so imagined there must be someone called Percy Vere who was worth copying!

VINDICATOR
Posts: 317
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#216 Postby VINDICATOR » December 11th, 2017, 11:05 am

Hi animist/Tetenterre,
Children often get it wrong when the wording is incomprehensible to them. For instance they will translate "gladly the cross I'd bear" into "Gladly, the cross-eyed bear"! "One Nation indivisible" becomes "one nation invisible". You will also get things like "Solomon had 4000 wives and 6000 porcupines". In Stephen Foster's song "Swanny River" you have "That's where the old folks stay" and to a child it would come out as "That's where the old fox stays"!
I think that it's called "a boner" and many years ago I saw a book of boners but I hardly remember any. Maybe you can establish a column for boners like you have for limericks?

:laughter: :laughter: :laughter:

User avatar
animist
Posts: 6021
Joined: July 30th, 2010, 11:36 pm

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#217 Postby animist » December 11th, 2017, 12:21 pm

VINDICATOR wrote:Hi animist/Tetenterre,
Children often get it wrong when the wording is incomprehensible to them. For instance they will translate "gladly the cross I'd bear" into "Gladly, the cross-eyed bear"! "One Nation indivisible" becomes "one nation invisible". You will also get things like "Solomon had 4000 wives and 6000 porcupines". In Stephen Foster's song "Swanny River" you have "That's where the old folks stay" and to a child it would come out as "That's where the old fox stays"!
I think that it's called "a boner" and many years ago I saw a book of boners but I hardly remember any. Maybe you can establish a column for boners like you have for limericks?

:laughter: :laughter: :laughter:
:D good idea. Just to be pedantic for a moment, the river is Swanee not Swanny - but whether there were swans on it I don't know!

User avatar
Tetenterre
Posts: 3190
Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#218 Postby Tetenterre » December 11th, 2017, 4:34 pm

animist wrote:Just to be pedantic for a moment, the river is Swanee not Swanny - but whether there were swans on it I don't know!
Just to be even more pedantic, the river is the Suwannee -- Stephen Foster mis-spelled it in the song. :laughter:
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

User avatar
Tetenterre
Posts: 3190
Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#219 Postby Tetenterre » December 11th, 2017, 4:51 pm

VINDICATOR wrote: Is the FSM active in Britain?
Dunno about active; this one is stuck beneath my rear number plate :D :
FSM.jpg
FSM.jpg (86.52 KiB) Viewed 92 times
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

User avatar
animist
Posts: 6021
Joined: July 30th, 2010, 11:36 pm

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#220 Postby animist » December 12th, 2017, 11:37 am

Tetenterre wrote:
animist wrote:Just to be pedantic for a moment, the river is Swanee not Swanny - but whether there were swans on it I don't know!
Just to be even more pedantic, the river is the Suwannee -- Stephen Foster mis-spelled it in the song. :laughter:
yes indeed. I always assumed that the Sewanee University in Tennessee was the Swanee referred to in the song, but this is different again!

VINDICATOR
Posts: 317
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#221 Postby VINDICATOR » December 12th, 2017, 12:44 pm

Hi Tetenterre,
I told my Pastafarian friend about the FSM sticker on your car and he's very grateful to you. He says that some day Pastafaria wll be the main "religion", with all the others gone extinct! I said that some day all religions will go extinct including Pastafaria. He said that then Pastafaria will have accomplished it's historical mission and we will be honored for it! Presently Pastafaria is still struggling for recognition. For instance when they take a photo for their drivers license they will wear a collander which is the official headwear of the Pastafarians. Sometimes it has to be done several times before they accept it.


Return to “Comedy Club”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests