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God was a Jew and other jokes

Enter here for humour and irreverence.
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VINDICATOR
Posts: 286
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#161 Postby VINDICATOR » September 23rd, 2017, 3:57 pm

Latest post of the previous page:

Cosmology is my hobby so I know quite a bit on it. Aren't any of you interested in it? I remember in my youth how I used to gaze at the stars in wonder. Today I wonder if they are still there, for as I gaze at the sky, I can't see the stars any more due to the light pollution!
I believe in the same God that Einstein did that created the universe and IS the universe. I think that God created this universe as an experiment. When we raise white mice to do experiments we keep them in cages to separate them. God's equivalent to a cage is the solar system. There are inumerable solar systems and many of them have "people" on one of the planets, eg. God's white mice! The universe was made in an ingenious way, with the solar systems (cages) so far apart that there is no way we can ever meet. We are stuck in our solar system just as the white mice are stuck in their cages!
Our Earth is just one of his experiments and homo-sapiens are just one breed of white mice! As Carl Sagan said, "Earth is just a speck of dust in the universe, but it's all that we have, make the most of it!" Let's see if we can make homo sapiens one of the better breed of white mice!

VINDICATOR
Posts: 286
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#162 Postby VINDICATOR » September 24th, 2017, 1:02 pm

Today let's have humor. The following are real excerpts from court proceedings:

Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: Where am I, Cathy?
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan!

Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reebok.

Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.

Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July 18.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.

Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory?
Witness: Yes, it does.
Attorney: In what way does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney; So you forget. Give us an example of something you forgot.
Witness: ??

That's all I have time for today, see my next post!
:hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity:

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animist
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#163 Postby animist » September 25th, 2017, 2:53 pm

VINDICATOR wrote: I think that God created this universe as an experiment.
unlike scientists who need white mice to study whatever, God is supposed to be omniscient, so whyever would it need to experiment?

VINDICATOR
Posts: 286
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#164 Postby VINDICATOR » September 25th, 2017, 3:14 pm

Continued:

Attorney: Now doctor, is it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it 'til the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Attorney: The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?
Witness: He's 20, very close to your IQ!

Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you shitting me?

Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
Witness: Getting laid.

Attorney: She had 3 children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness: Your honor, I need a different Attorney. Can I have a different Attorney?

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: By whose death?
Witness: Take a guess!

:hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 286
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#165 Postby VINDICATOR » September 26th, 2017, 3:06 pm

Continued.

Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness; No, this is the way I dress when I go to work.

Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight!

Attorney: All of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
Witness: Oral.

Witness: The autopsy started about 8:30 pm.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: If not, he was by the time I finished!

Attorney: Doctor, did you check for a pulse before you performed the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you performed the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk!
Attorney: I see. But could the patient still be alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible he was still alive and practicing law!

:hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 286
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#166 Postby VINDICATOR » September 26th, 2017, 3:23 pm

Dear animist,
Another possibility is that God made all these "cages" of "people" for the same reason many people keep cages of mice, gerbils, guinea-pigs, etc. Just to amuse themselves watching their antics!!
Which scenario are you betting on?
:wink: :wink: :wink:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 286
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#167 Postby VINDICATOR » September 27th, 2017, 3:10 pm

Here are 2 quotes. Guess the authors:

1- It aint the things you don't know that causes you trouble. It's those things that you're absolutely sure of but just aint true that give you the trouble!
Hint: M.T.

2-Animals (such as tigers) kill other animals because they are hungry and they have to eat. God made them that way.
Man often kills other men because man is cruel, vindictive, greedy, etc. Man can't help it either because man was created in God's image!
Who said dat?
:D :D

VINDICATOR
Posts: 286
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#168 Postby VINDICATOR » September 28th, 2017, 2:43 pm

The other day I was discussing morality with a devout Christian. He said that all Atheists don't have any morals to restrain them so they go around murdering people, like Hitler and Stalin. I reminded him that God gets the Gold Medal for murder because he killed off the whole human race (including millions of children and babies and fetuses) in a Great Flood!!! According to you, God must be an Atheist because he has no morals to restrain himself!
:D :D

VINDICATOR
Posts: 286
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#169 Postby VINDICATOR » September 29th, 2017, 3:01 pm

As for the 2 quotes I gave you on the 27th, the first one of course was by Mark Twaine. The second quote is a conglomeration of Confucious, Jefferson, and the Bible!
Here are some interesting tidbits:
If poison expires, does it become non-pisonous?
Which is the silent letter in"scent", the s or the c?
Why is "w" called double u and not double v?
Whenever you clean something you make something else dirty.
What word remains the same placed upside down?
Everything we eat is poisonous, when we eat enough it will kill us. However, if we don't eat we will die much faster!
:smile: :smile: :smile:

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animist
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#170 Postby animist » September 30th, 2017, 12:39 pm

VINDICATOR wrote:Dear animist,
Another possibility is that God made all these "cages" of "people" for the same reason many people keep cages of mice, gerbils, guinea-pigs, etc. Just to amuse themselves watching their antics!!
Which scenario are you betting on?
:wink: :wink: :wink:
but, again, God would know the antics in advance, and it would also know any experiential scenario involving it watching these antics. Therefore it would not need to actually stage the theatre. God must get very confused in its world of knowing every possible outcome to any possible action by itself. Glad I'm not God

VINDICATOR
Posts: 286
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#171 Postby VINDICATOR » September 30th, 2017, 4:03 pm

Hi animist,
Evidently you're referring to the Biblical God which is definitly not my God.
If this Biblical God knew everything before hand, then why did he create the universe? Why does he have to do surveilance on everybody if he knew what everybody was going to do? Why does he have to wait for judgement day to dispence sentences? What about "free will"? Are we just puppets on strings? Is the universe just a play on a stage following exactly a prewritten script?
Try to keep in mind that the Bible is not based on facts and logic, it is a book of fairy tales based on magic written by bronze age nomads and rewritten dozens of times, each time losing and gaining something according to the whims of the scribes! This Biblical "God" is just one of the genies in the fairy tales fraught with contradictions like a soft-clay doll that can be manipulated to be anything you please.

If you read my post of Sept. 23 carefully, you will see that I was not talking about this fairy-tale genie, I was talking about the real God, ie. Einstein's God! The true God if there is one!
If you are interested, I can give you a short course on Einstein's God.

VINDICATOR
Posts: 286
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#172 Postby VINDICATOR » October 1st, 2017, 5:41 am

Notation on comment of Sept. 26:
Einstein's God would never put people into cages to amuse himself watching their antics, only the Biblical God would do that! It was only a joke!

Here is another joke about Genesis:
God wanted to create a universe but he couldn't do it himself because the project was too immense. So he formed a joint venture with Satan and they did it together. God made all that was "good" and Satan did the rest. When they had finished, God banished Satan and took over the project. Then God started to dismantle all that Satan had done. But he couldn't, because Satan knew that God was a double-crosser and had linked "good" with "bad". If you dismantle "bad" then "good" would automatically disappear too! And that is why the "good" and "bad" are mixed up in this universe!
:hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 286
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#173 Postby VINDICATOR » October 1st, 2017, 3:29 pm

Today's quote:

"Slavery was established by decree of almighty God. It is sanctioned in the Bible, in both Testaments, from Genesis to Revelations."

The author of this quote was making a speech to his army to mobilize his army for a holy war against the heretics that wanted to abolish slavery. The first one to give the correct answer gets a Noble Prize!

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Sel
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Joined: January 3rd, 2011, 3:53 pm

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#174 Postby Sel » October 2nd, 2017, 1:40 pm

Thomas Jefferson
I have not posted in a couple of years. Not sure if this will insert in last quote about slavery.
"The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge." Bertrand Russell

VINDICATOR
Posts: 286
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#175 Postby VINDICATOR » October 3rd, 2017, 1:26 pm

Dear Sel,
Thanks for your participation!
A good try. You got half of the name right, but it's the wrong man!
The war we are talking about here is the American Civil War which was fought between the North and south. The North wanted to abolish slavery and the South wanted to maintain it. Thomas Jefferson never lived to see this war. Although Thomas Jefferson was a slave owner, still he was anti-slavery and when he wrote the draft of the Constitution he wanted to abolish slavery, but this clause was vetoed because many of the southern states would otherwise not sign it!
Evidently you Englishmen learn very little of American history, just as the Americans learn very little of English history. The quote I gave yesterday is from a speech by Jefferson Davis, the "President" of the "Confederacy", the union of the southern break-away States. The American Taliban (Fundies) hates anyone who mentions this quote. At the time, all the Christian Churches in the south were pro-slavery too! Not all Americans know this because the Church sweeps it under the rug! It's just another skeleton in their crowded closet!

VINDICATOR
Posts: 286
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#176 Postby VINDICATOR » October 4th, 2017, 5:28 am

P.S.
I forgot to say that the US President at the time was Abraham Lincoln. He led the North to conquor the South and ultimately united America and abolished slavery. According to the Fundies, Lincoln should go to hell!
:smile:

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animist
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#177 Postby animist » October 4th, 2017, 11:57 am

VINDICATOR wrote:Hi animist,
Evidently you're referring to the Biblical God which is definitly not my God.
If this Biblical God knew everything before hand, then why did he create the universe? Why does he have to do surveilance on everybody if he knew what everybody was going to do? Why does he have to wait for judgement day to dispence sentences? What about "free will"? Are we just puppets on strings? Is the universe just a play on a stage following exactly a prewritten script?
Try to keep in mind that the Bible is not based on facts and logic, it is a book of fairy tales based on magic written by bronze age nomads and rewritten dozens of times, each time losing and gaining something according to the whims of the scribes! This Biblical "God" is just one of the genies in the fairy tales fraught with contradictions like a soft-clay doll that can be manipulated to be anything you please.

If you read my post of Sept. 23 carefully, you will see that I was not talking about this fairy-tale genie, I was talking about the real God, ie. Einstein's God! The true God if there is one!
If you are interested, I can give you a short course on Einstein's God.
I was not referring to the Abrahamic god but to any god personified as a being possessed with an infinite amount of knowledge, power and, of course, goodness. OK, enlighten me on the Einsteinian god, which perhaps lacks these attributes

VINDICATOR
Posts: 286
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#178 Postby VINDICATOR » October 4th, 2017, 4:11 pm

Dear animist,
Einstein's religion is an extremely interesting topic. I can only give you a brief outline here.
First of all, when Einstein was very young, he was indoctrinated to be a Jew. He saw through the nonsense and rejected it. Next he was sent to a parochial school were they tried to make him a Christian. He rejected that nonsense too. He never believed in an anthropomorphic/personal God. He ridiculed people that worship a God modelled on a human king, with all the corresponding human frailties, sitting on a throne ruling over people on Earth and making judgement on when they die do they go to heaven or hell! He also said that believing in after-life was silly. My favorite quote of his is: "The Bible is just a book of fairy-tales!"
Einstein was very influenced by Spinoza, and sometimes called himself a Pantheist or agnostic. The overpowering beauty of the Cosmos including the immutable Laws of Nature transfigured him. You could say that the whole Cosmos was his God. The Laws of Nature was his Bible. He even wrote one Chapter of the Bible, ie. "The theory of Relativity".
One more quote from Einstein: "The most important endeavor of man is the striving for morality in our actions."
If you want an in depth course on Einstein's religion, you can find it on Wikipedia at "Religious and philosophical views of Albert Einstein".

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Sel
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Joined: January 3rd, 2011, 3:53 pm

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#179 Postby Sel » October 9th, 2017, 6:25 pm

Hello Vindicator

Well, I knew Jefferson died before the civil war. It was the quote that led me astray. My answer was a stab in the dark.

By the way, I am a Canadian living in Calgary, Alberta. It has been a couple of years since I followed this site. You may see more of me in the next few months.
"The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge." Bertrand Russell

VINDICATOR
Posts: 286
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#180 Postby VINDICATOR » October 10th, 2017, 3:30 pm

Hi Sel,
I am neither Atheist nor Theist but I am extremely anti-religious. I believe that if there was no religion this world would be a much better place! Hundreds of millions of people have been murdered because of religion! Hundreds of millions of people suffer because of religion. Theists say that mankind needs to have religion, otherwise we would have no standard for morality! They say that the 10 Commandments are the most important moral standards. HOGWASH! The Ten Commandments order you to worship God. Otherwise you and your descendents all go to hell! That's God's moral standard! Confucius and other philosophers established the GOLDEN RULE at lt least 5 Centuries before Christ. The Golden Rule is a thousand times better than The 10 Commandments. If everyone followed the Golden Rule we would have a heaven on Earth! It was the article on the Golden Rule that attracted me to this site. Let's hear what you have to say!

VINDICATOR
Posts: 286
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#181 Postby VINDICATOR » October 12th, 2017, 9:47 pm

Now I'll tell you about my "God":
If you were an artist and you created a wonderful magnificent work of art, would you hide it away or would you put it on display and invite masses of appreciative people to enjoy it and congratulate you? Our universe is such an amazing magnificent work of art that it would be a shame if there was no one to appreciate it. If it were created by a "God", then he/she/it/etc. created all those solar systems with "people" on them to enjoy the wonders of the universe and congratulate and thank "God"! "God" doesn't want us to worship him. "God" doesn't reward us with heaven or punish us with hell. "God" just wants us to appreciate the wonderful magnificent Cosmos he made! We don't have to buy a ticket, "God" gave us this Cosmos for free! My "God" is not narcissistic, selfish, wicked, cruel, mean, vindictive, narrow minded, idiotic etc. like all those other false gods. At the very most, "God" just wants us to thank him. How do we thank "God"? The way Einstein put it is by "striving for morality in our actions". Now thank "God" everybody!


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