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God was a Jew and other jokes

Enter here for humour and irreverence.
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VINDICATOR
Posts: 233
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#101 Postby VINDICATOR » July 20th, 2017, 2:54 pm

Latest post of the previous page:

More Bible jokes:
Moses, or whoever wrote the Bible, not only didn't know where daylight came from, (he said that God made daylight three days before he made the sun!) They also didn't know where rain came from! He thought that there was a reservoir in the sky. Therefore God had to make a "dome" to prevent this water from flooding the Earth! If you wanted to protect the Earth with a "dome" then the Earth would have to be flat! A "dome" could not protect a spherical Earth! That's 2 jokes!
:hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 233
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#102 Postby VINDICATOR » July 21st, 2017, 4:05 pm

Some more Bible jokes:
The person who wrote Genesis was much more ignorant than today's kindergarten child. He said God gathered all the water under the sky into "one place", probably the red sea, because he had no knowledge of all the oceans.
Then, on the third day, God let the Earth put forth vegetation including "plants yielding seed and fruit trees of every kind". Obviously Moses never heard of chlorophyll and photosynthesis. The sun hadn't been created yet! Without the sun, the only "vegetation" that you could see would be mushrooms and fungus! It wasn't until the next day that God created the sun!
Now I have treated you to a half dozen jokes already and we've only read 1/4 of the first page of the Bible!
:hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 233
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#103 Postby VINDICATOR » July 21st, 2017, 4:11 pm

Dear Editor,
Could you make me a permanent member so I wouldn't have to "login" every time I make a post?

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Alan H
Posts: 21836
Joined: July 3rd, 2007, 10:26 pm

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#104 Postby Alan H » July 21st, 2017, 4:35 pm

VINDICATOR wrote:Dear Editor,
Could you make me a permanent member so I wouldn't have to "login" every time I make a post?

Do you click on 'Remember me' when you log in?
Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

VINDICATOR
Posts: 233
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#105 Postby VINDICATOR » July 22nd, 2017, 3:29 pm

ok Alan, I'll try that next time!
Some more Bible jokes:
The fouth day of creation was God's busiest. He not only created the sun and the moon, he also created the stars. According to modern astronomy, there are probably a trillion (American numbers) galaxies in the universe. The average galaxy has about 100 billion stars. Most of these stars have planets revolving around them. These planets of other stars, called "exoplanets", were foreseen by Giordano Bruno more than 4 Centuries ago, but were actually discovered only a few years ago!! How many exoplanets are there in the universe? A number followed by about 23 zeros! Even the chief astronomer of the Vatican accepts them. With so many exoplanets it's a certainty that many of them are populated by sentient beings like us! If God only created Earth, then who created the Aliens? If God created the Aliens then he would have to send a son to each of the exoplanets for their salvation! How many sons would God have to have?
Notice that all my questions are unanswerable, hence they are all jokes!
The 4th day is a gold mine of jokes. See my next post!
:hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 233
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#106 Postby VINDICATOR » July 23rd, 2017, 1:55 pm

More Bible jokes:
On the 4th day of creation God created at least 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 stars, including our sun. If only the Earth was populated, then why did he do that? The only reason I can think of is that God is a super duper narcissist. Only by populating trillions of Earths with people to worship himself could he satisfy his craving to be worshipped!
The people who wrote the Bible probably thought that the stars were very near us, probably about where the clouds are. So, we could see them almost as soon as God made them. Modern astronomy tells us that the most distant stars that we can see (Through telescopes of course) are tens of billions of light years away. (A light-year is a measure of length. It's the distance light travels in one year!) that means that their light that we see today left those stars tens of billions of years ago!
Now the Bible tells us that the universe was created 6,000 years ago. That means that we should not be able to see see those stars that were more than 6,000 light years away. Their light hasn't reached us yet! 6,000 light-years is an extremely insignificant short distance on the cosmic level. If we couldn't see anything further away than 6,000 light years then the night sky would be very black. Things like the milky way would disappear!
:hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 233
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#107 Postby VINDICATOR » July 24th, 2017, 3:05 pm

More Bible jokes:
According to the Bible, God put the sun,moon, and all the stars in the "dome of the sky" (Genesis 1: 17). since there was only one dome, the one made on the second day to hold the sky water in place,they would be very low, much lower than sputniks and satellites go! If this were the case, then the Earth would have been burnt to a cinder immediately! Obviously the writer of the Bible didn't have an inkling of what stars (including the sun) were! However, this would solve the problem of not seeing them because they were too far away!
:hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 233
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#108 Postby VINDICATOR » July 25th, 2017, 2:55 pm

That's enough joking on creation. It's not fair actually. After all, these descriptions on the creation of the universe were written by stone age nomads who thought the Earth was flat, daylight an independant entity that had nothing to do with the sun. The sun just happened to come out during the day, like the moon and stars came out at night. Stars were something like lightning bugs stuck to the "dome". etc. etc. I was like a college professor criticizing kindergarten kids!
Today I heard on the internet news that the American Taliban chieftan Ken Ham declared war on the LGBT! He's the one who spent $100 million to build that "Noah's Ark" in Kentucky with dinosaurs on it! He said that the rainbow was God's invention. After the flood that murdered the whole human race except for 8 persons of the Noah family, God made a covenant and promised to never drown the human race again and signed and sealed it with a rainbow! The LGBT plagiarized the rainbow which is a serious crime! In retaliation,Ham says that he's going to light up his Ark in rainbow colors both day and night! Oh yes, Ham said God promised not to use water next time. Next time he will wipe out the human race with fire! That's what Ken Ham said. He also said that God is love!
:hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 233
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#109 Postby VINDICATOR » July 26th, 2017, 2:45 pm

Oe more joke on creation:
God said, "Let us make man in our own image". Obviously this implies that God is not just one entity when he calls himself "we" and "us"! Since he created 2 people, a man and a women, at least God was a man and a woman! Since God created all the races of man, Blacks, Reds, Whites, Yellows, etc. then there would have to be a pair of Gods to match each race, (at least 20 pairs). Then there's the LGBTQ of each race. That would add up to at least 100 Gods! That is for our Earth alone. If you take into account all of the different races on exoplanets throughout the universe, (an unimaginable great number) then the number of Gods is mind-boggling! Obviously Christianity is not monotheism. It has more Gods than any other pagan religion!
:hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 233
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#110 Postby VINDICATOR » July 27th, 2017, 3:18 pm

That's no joke, it's Faith! Here is a joke I just heard: (It was too long so I condensed it a bit.)
The belief that a cosmic zombie was his own father because he raped his own mother causing immaculate conception, can give you everlasting life if you eat his flesh and blood by transubstantiation and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master so he can remove the evil in your soul caused by a rib-woman convinced by a talking snake to eat some magic fruit. Guess what religion that is!
:hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 233
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#111 Postby VINDICATOR » July 28th, 2017, 4:47 pm

A senior citizen joke:
An elderly couple was having dinner at another couples place and had just finished dinner and the wives were in the kitchen and the two men were talking and one of them said: "We went to a very good restaurant last night." "Oh? What was the name of the restaurant?" The man knit his brow in concentration and after a while he asked, "What's the name of that red flower you give to your girlfriend?" "A carnation?" "No no no the other kind." "A poppy?" "No, it has thorns!" "Oh you mean a rose!" "Yes, that's it!" Then he raises his voice and yells toward the kitchen: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

"There's 3 things that happen when you get old. One is that you lose your memory----and I can't remember the other 2!"

:hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 233
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#112 Postby VINDICATOR » August 2nd, 2017, 2:32 pm

The Biblical Universe:
From the babblings of the stone-age nomads who wrote Genesis we can deduce their concept of the universe.
First of all, the Earth was small and flat. There was a reservoir of water in the sky to produce rain, and a "dome" to keep the water from deluging the Earth. The "dome" could protect the Earth only if the Earth was flat!
They couldn't understand daylight and night so they thought that they were independent entities and the sun just happens to come out during the day time and the moon at night.
The whole universe was like a huge planetarium. The stars were stuck on to the "dome" like glow worms. They probably guessed that the stars were only a few miles away at the most. Imagine trying to explain a "light year" to them!
There's plenty more, that's just the gist.
We now recognize the Bible as a book of fairy tales. However, if you tried to explain the real universe to them, they would probably think that you were telling them fairy tales!

VINDICATOR
Posts: 233
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#113 Postby VINDICATOR » August 3rd, 2017, 3:21 pm

Murphy Vindicated!
Have you ever heard of Murphy's Law? Stated in a very broad sense, it says that if anything can go wrong then it will! Murphy was an engineer that made all kinds of machinery. When you make a machine you have to be very careful about all the thousands of parts. If only one screw has a defect, then the airplane you are making might fall out of the sky! He evidently had much bad experience to establish his Law! I think that most people have had such experiences too, so everybody curses Murphy's Law. However, the other day I realized that Murphy's Law is sometimes very good! So you don't agree? Let me tell you a true story:
Almost a century ago in Scotland there was a biologist named Fleming. To perform experiments, he bred many samples of germs in petri dishes. One day he noticed that the germs he had painstakingly cultuired in one of the dishes had all died out. "Another experiment ruined" he grumbled cursing Murphy's Law, and was just going to throw out the petri dishes when suddenly he saw a great light like Saul on the road to Domascus! "Wait a minute" he thought, "What killed off the germs?" The rest is history.
Thanks to Murphy's Law, penicillin, which saved the lives of at least a hundred million people, was discovered! Fleming got a Nobel prize. Penicillin is one of the greatest discoveries in history. Fleming is one of the greatest heros in history, much greater than Alexander, Ceaser, Napoleon, Gengis Kahn, etc. who were so busy killing people!

VINDICATOR
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Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#114 Postby VINDICATOR » August 6th, 2017, 3:56 pm

Another Bible joke:
Genesis 2:15 says: "of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat" so obviously God created Adam and Eve Without the knowledge of good and evil. Therefore when they ate of the fruit from this tree they didn't know that they were doing anything wrong. However, God not only blamed them for it, he blamed the whole human race for it, including you and me! It's called original sin. Because of this sin, we will all go to hell unless we get salvation! God often punishes people for something their ancesters did. However, there is no civilized country in the world today that punishes somebody for something their ancesters did! And the Fundies want us to worship this evil God!

VINDICATOR
Posts: 233
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#115 Postby VINDICATOR » August 7th, 2017, 12:02 pm

More on the "forbidden fruit".
Before Adam and Eve ate of the forbidden fruit they didn't know about sex. According to the Bible, they only knew of sex after they ate of the forbidden fruit. We should be very thankful to the serpent/Satan who coaxed them to eat it, otherwise there would be no human race, no you, no me, only Adam and Eve right up till today! Another consequence of the eating is that they cannot live for ever, they will eventually die. This is an excellent arrangement. If people never died, the population on Earth today would probably exceed a hundred billion! The human race would have become extinct from overpopulation!

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animist
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Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#116 Postby animist » August 7th, 2017, 12:26 pm

VINDICATOR wrote:Another Bible joke:
Genesis 2:15 says: "of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat" so obviously God created Adam and Eve Without the knowledge of good and evil. Therefore when they ate of the fruit from this tree they didn't know that they were doing anything wrong. However, God not only blamed them for it, he blamed the whole human race for it, including you and me! It's called original sin. Because of this sin, we will all go to hell unless we get salvation! God often punishes people for something their ancesters did. However, there is no civilized country in the world today that punishes somebody for something their ancesters did! And the Fundies want us to worship this evil God!
good thinking, Vinnie! :D

VINDICATOR
Posts: 233
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#117 Postby VINDICATOR » August 7th, 2017, 2:29 pm

Dear animist,
Thanks for the compliments. The Bible is so chock-full of these jokes, contradictions and absurdities that you could write a whole book on it. If I had nothing else to do I would write the book. However, I have plenty of other business to attend to, so I just put a bit in this website every other day or so which is quite convenient. I hope you have as much fun reading my posts as I have in writing them!
:smile:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 233
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#118 Postby VINDICATOR » August 10th, 2017, 3:57 pm

More on the Biblical Universe:
Since the Bible was written by bronze-age nomads, The universe of the Bible reflects the cutting edge of the science of the times.I get a lot of fun reading about the bronze age concept of the universe. Here is a list of their basic concepts:
1-The Earth is flat.
2- There is a huge reservoir of water in the sky where the rain-water comes from.
3-There is a huge Dome (some versions of the Bible call it a "fundament") covering the Earth like a huge bowl over the Earth. The principle duty of the dome is to prevent the sky-water from flooding the Earth. This in effect limits the universe. Everything there is is under this bowl. The stars are fixed onto this dome like fire-flies. These people were rather clever, they actually invented the planetarium!
4-Daylight is an independent entity that comes around once a day. The sun usually comes out during the day just as the moon comes out at night. The sun does not make the day in the same way that the moon doesn't make the night!
5-The sun and moon are capable of being stopped. Joshua stopped them both for a whole day!
There's plenty more, look them up yourself!

VINDICATOR
Posts: 233
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#119 Postby VINDICATOR » August 11th, 2017, 12:23 pm

A Pastafarian joke:
Two guys are chatting in front of their secrataries. One says to the other: "I hear that the Pope's keeping the Cardinals on their toes." --"Yeah?-How is that??" -"He had all the urinals in the Vatican moved up 8 inches!" -They laughed like hell and go off to lunch.-Then one secretary says to the other: "You know, I didn't get that..." and the other says: "Neither did I, but then, I'm not Catholic..."

The Pope just cursed Trump again for building a wall to keep out illegal aliens. He evidently never heard of the advice "people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones". The huge wall surrounding the Vatican to protect the hoard of gold in the cellar is second only to the Great Wall of China!

VINDICATOR
Posts: 233
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#120 Postby VINDICATOR » August 12th, 2017, 2:57 pm

More on the Biblical universe:
The writers of the Bible knew absolutely nothing about astronomy but they were very keen on astrology. In Genesis 1:14 it says "-let there be lights in the dome of the sky-----let them be for signs"! Voila, so the real purpose for making the sun, moon, stars etc. is for astrological fortune telling!
:hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity: :hilarity:

VINDICATOR
Posts: 233
Joined: December 22nd, 2016, 11:07 am

Re: God was a Jew and other jokes

#121 Postby VINDICATOR » August 13th, 2017, 3:00 pm

Correction:
Some versions of the Bible call the "dome" of the universe, where the stars are attached, the "firmament", not "fundament" as I mistakenly stated. I hope this didn't create any confusion among my readers. It took me many years to get to understand the structure of the universe as detailed in Genesis. It's much more difficult to understand than the structure of the real universe which I could understand when I was a young child! Didn't any of you have any trouble to understand the universe of Genesis?

Scintillate scintillate asteroid minific,
Fain would I ponder your nature specific.
Poised far aloft in the ether capacious,
Strongly resembling a gem carbonacious!

Twinkle twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high
Like a diamond in the sky!


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